Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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