Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
