yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
