did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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