please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
