A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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