First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
