the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
