how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
