Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
