Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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