I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.