i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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