u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
