u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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