Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Randomize
