also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
