I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
