Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I think we might need a safe word for this...
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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