70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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