I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
