the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
