Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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