I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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