It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
