No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
