Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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