I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
