he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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