this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
