Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
He shit in the fireplace
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
