I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
