I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You brought string cheese to the strip club
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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