If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
