dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
