boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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