We won't sleep together?
My balls are so social today.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
