nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
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I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
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I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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