Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
