And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
