You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
