I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
