There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
