Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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