If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
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