Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
false alarm. still invincible.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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