My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
