How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
