R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
