She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
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He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
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