I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Boobs speak an international language.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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