Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
