when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
