I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Randomize
