did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
