Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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