I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
